Monday, April 4, 2011

The (Brief) Return of Lenore!

Thank you for minding the blogging gap as my muse, Lenore, has been away for two months recuperating from a broken knuckle. Today, can you imagine how excited I was when she surprised the office by popping in for a visit? Stoked, I tell you! Stoked! Though most people around the office find her to be useless, unable to direct a turd down a toilet--she's my own personal droopy-boobed denizen.

Backing up...*beep, beep, beep*...about two months ago, Lenore was riding public transportation and fell into the door (???), braking the middle knuckle on her right hand. "You know, I was just stepping off the stairs and my hand hit the door and now I've got this to deal with," she told me while also flipping me off with a swollen middle finger, bruised and bound in a blue foam-lined brace. Apparently was very wound up, having been without her mundane and spacey office antics for too long.

(Lenore walks in after being gone for months. I spring out of my chair and excitedly run to greet her.)

Me: Lenore, Lenore! How are you? What are you doing here?

Lenore: Oh, hi, hi, how are you, mister? I'm just dropping off my time sheet.

Me: (noticing her hand in a cast) Oh, my gosh! How's your hand feeling?

(While we're talking other people around the office start to gather around.)

L: (holding up hand and waving it around like Queen Elizabeth) Oh, it hurts. It just aches and bothers me so much sometimes, you know?

Me: You wave like the Queen Mum.

L: Who?

Me: Queen Elizabeth. You know? (I imitate her and wave like the Queen.) Hellew, hellew peasants.

L: Yeah, yes, yes, I know her. Ha ha. I guess so. I have to go in tomorrow to the, the, um, the doctor and he's going to show me how to wiggle my fingers again. It hurts.

Me: I can show you how to do that. (holding up my hand and wiggling fingers) See? (the phone rings) Oh, Lenore, maybe you can get that for old times sake. Right? Right?

Other Worker: Geez, have you had too much coffee? You're so excited.

Me: Yeah, well, it's been so quiet around here without Lenore around.

L: I've missed you guys! I've missed this place so much.

Other Worker: Really?

L: Oh, yes! It's been so hard. This one (pointing to cast) is different than my last one. I can get my sleeve over this one but, you know, I have to, um, go to my neighbors' and have them zip up my jacket before I go anywhere. Then I have to sometimes ask for help unzipping my jacket.

Me: (turning around and gesturing to pretend zipper up the back of my jacket) Zip me up!

Other Worker: Huh?

Me: You know, like on Arrested Development when the mother yells for Buster to zip her up? (turning around again and acting out scene like I need my top zipped up) Zip me up! Zip me up?

Other Worker: Calm down.

L: (moving on) But, you know, you have to be careful when you're on the bus. One day you're happy and at work and the next you lose everything and break your finger. It's just so very awful. AWFUL!

BLACKOUT

My co-worker and I have speculated as to what Lenore's been doing with her time off:
  • Watching Soaps
  • Eating tamales
  • Talking about tamales
  • Eating tamales while also talking about them to the Soaps

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