Monday, April 4, 2011

Like A Bat


This weekend I was helping lay bricks for a courtyard area and hurt my back. Nothing serious, but I had to call into work sick yesterday because of it. When I came into the office this morning Lenore was very concerned for me.

(I walk through the front door and see Lenore. She is especially dramatic.)

Lenore: (nearly yelling and giving me a furrowed-pity brow) WELL! Hello there Mister! How are you feeling?

Me: Like an old man. I was helping my parents build a brick landing and I was just hunched over all day. I'm feeling okay though.

L: Oh, my! You know something, let me tell you...my cousin Mathew came to visit me, and he's got (pounding out the syllables of the words on the desk with her fist) the worst. Worst. Worst. Back problems. He has to sit in this thing upside down where he hangs and hangs by his feet and... (one hand in the air, one hand on her chest) Dios! It's awful. But you know what?

Me: What?

L: (intensely leaning forward) It helps his back so much. It straightens it, you know, and he's better than he ever was. It really helps. Really! I'm telling you.

Me: And he just hangs? Like a bat?

L: (leaning back in her chair and emphatically pointing her finger at me with each word) Yes! Just. Like. A. Bat. Exactly right.

Here's how I imagine that scene would play out should Lenore's dramatic gestures be put into words:

(I walk through the front door and see Lenore.)

Lenore: OH MY FUCKING GOD IN HEAVEN! What the HELL are you doing here Mister? How are you feeling?

Me: Like an old man. I was helping my parents build a brick landing and I was just hunched over all day. I'm feeling okay today though.

L: No shit! You know what's really fucked up? Let me tell you. My cousin Mathew came to visit me, and damned if that fucker doesn't have the most fucked-up back. I swear to the Lawd that he has to sit in a fucking harness like, like...oh, I don't know what. He just sits and hangs and hangs. Upside down! But you know the kicker?

Me: What?

L: I fuck you not...it helps his back.

Me: And he just hangs? Like a bat?

L: Yes! Just. Like. A. Mother. Fucking. Bat.

BLACKOUT

Originally posted June 16, 2009, (sorry for the cursing Mom)

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