Thursday, December 15, 2011

Save the Birds


(As I'm leaving the office I pass Lenore coming in later than usual.  She has a plastic six pack ring and has put her hand through one of the rings.)

Me: Good morning!  You're coming in late.

Lenore: Oh, I know.  I lost my keys and just found them so now I'm here.

Me: (pointing to the six pack ring around her wrist) That's a great bracelet.  You just need a garbage bag purse to go with it.

L: Huh?  Haven't you seen these?  It's for soda pop.

Me: No it's not.  It's jewelery.  Sometimes six of my Diet Pepsis get stuck in them.  Such a bother.

(Lenore looks confused.)

Me: I'm kidding.  It looks like you got caught in it.

L: No, no, it's just around my wrist for carrying.  I can take it off whenever I want.  I found it outside and brought it in so I could cut it up and save a bird or two.  You know.

Me: Maybe you could catch a six pack of birds?

L: No!  That would be awful.

BLACKOUT

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Lenore Wants a Dutch Oven, Part 2

(Two weeks later.  I am sitting in my office talking to boss, Dave, and co-worker, Kevin.  Lenore trundles in front of my doorway pulling a small handcart with a box on it.)

Lenore: (interrupting) Look what I got.

Me: Is that the stationary we ordered?

L: No. Guess again.

Dave: Paper or something?

Me: Yeah, paper.  Is it paper?

L: (disappointed) No.  It's my cooking thing.

Me: Oh, your dutch oven.

L: Yes!  My dutch oven.  I just got it.

Dave: (to Kevin)  Like a fart under the sheets?

Kevin: (shrugging) I guess.  I give them to my wife all the time. 

Me: (to Lenore) Can I see it?

(I get up and go to Lenore's desk.  She struggles to get the pot out of the box and after several minutes of fussing with tape and packaging padding, she pulls it out and marvels at it.)

Lenore: Isn't that just, I don't know...beautiful!  Wow.

Me: Yeah, it's great.

(We talk about cooking for 10 minutes before she finally says she wants to put the dutch oven out in her car.  I offer to help.  Cut to minutes later, in a nearby lot Lenore and I are standing outside of her dinged and dirty Honda.  She fiddles with the lock of the truck and when she finally opens it, the space is filled with stacks of old magazines, plastic shopping bags, dirty clothes, rope, cans of soda, a small broken lamp, etc.  Lenore roots around in the mess and makes some space for the dutch oven.)

Me: I don't think that's going to fit in there--

(Ignoring me, Lenore, with some unforeseen strength, slams the truck door down smashing everything protruding from it.)

Me: Okay.  Nevermind.

(Back in my office, Dave and Kevin are still sitting around talking about dutch ovens.  Lenore goes to her desk and I to mine.)

Dave: So you gave Lenore a dutch oven?

Me: No, she bought it.

Kevin: I could give her one for free right now.  Hurry before it gets away.

(Dave and Kevin chuckle.)

Me: I'm sure she'd love that.

Dave: So what was in that box?

Me: In the one Lenore had?  (slowly) A dutch oven.

Kevin:  You can buy those in a box? (chuckles)

Me: Yes, for cooking.

Dave: Isn't that just a regular pot, then?

Me: A dutch oven is a cast iron pot with a heavy lid. 


Kevin: Named after farting?

Me: What? No.  You cook with it.  Are we really going there?

Kevin:  I've never heard of it.  My wife does all the cooking.

Me: Well, if you helped in the kitchen, you might know more than how to stink up a bed.

~SNAP~

Me - 1
Kevin - 0
Dave - 0

BLACKOUT