Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Lenore Pops By the Office

(I'm sitting in my office talking to a coworker when Lenore walks in unexpectedly.  I gasp a little louder than I should.  There's lots of commotion, cross-talk, and hugs as people in the office gather around to greet her.)

Coworker: So how is it on the other side of the river?

Lenore: What?  What river?

Coworker: Retirement.

L: Oh, retirement.  Boy, I miss this place.  And I miss the paycheck.  And you wouldn't believe the paperwork you have to fill out to retire.  It goes from here to Walnut Creek, just paper after paper after paper.  I just left HR and, you know, wanted to say hello.  I miss you guys.

Me: How's all the packing going?  Are you still moving out of your house?

L: Oh, yes.  Me and St. Vincent de Paul have become great friends.

Me: Really?

L: I've been packing up stuff that you wouldn't believe!  I get up every morning, eat, go to the basement and just go through everything.  St. Vincent's has taken off with two truckloads of my stuff and you know what?  I'm happy to see it go.

Me: What are you getting rid of?

L: Mostly clothes and uh, let's see, I gave away a couple of lamps and, just stuff.  But mostly all of my clothes are gone.

Me: No more clothes?  Do you have anything left to wear?

L: A bed sheet.

BLACKOUT

Friday, July 27, 2012

That's a Wrap

As you may know, Lenore has retired.  She's packed up her dusty plastic plants, her photos of other people's babies, and her beloved fan.  She has been a great friend and one that might never know the impact she has made on me (and anyone that followed this blog).

In the coming months Lenore is going to work to sell her home and move out of state to be closer to her sister and family.  I've stopped short of begging to help her pack and move but she didn't seem too interested in my offer.  Still, I'm hopeful we'll meet again.  


So long, Lenore.  I will truly miss our chemistry.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Lenore is Retiring

(Lenore is retiring.  Tuesday, July 31, 2012 is her last day and sadly, very sadly in fact, I will be away on a business trip to Orlando and miss her farewell tour.  When I came in this morning, I reminded her of this fact.)

Me: So, are you really gone next Tuesday?

Lenore: Yes sir, I'm done.  El gone-oh.

Me: I won't be here.  I have to go to that conference all next week.

Lenore:  Oh, really?  Where are you going?

Me: Orlando.  It's going to be so muggy and hot.

Lenore: Florida?  That's Florida, right?  That place has a lot of colors and people wearing shorts.

Me: Yes, I guess. My hotel is supposed to have a really nice pool.

Lenore:  Great, I'll get my bikini. 

Me: Really?

Lenore: (swatting at the air) No.

BLACKOUT

Lenore Called Someone a Whore

(The main office boss retired and Lenore took it upon herself to put together a small photo album containing photos she took with a disposable camera of all of the staff to give as a gift.  Having recently completed this album, Lenore wanted to share her hard work with me.  She also added caption, think bubbles, to all of the photos.)

Lenore: (flipping through photos) ...and this one is Anthony, see, he's saying, "I don't want to do my work.  I want to play."  Isn't that funny?

Me: Yes.

Lenore: And this one, see, Martin says, "Bet you can't guess what's in my bag," and see, he's carrying a bag.

Me: Yes, I see. Where's mine?

Lenore: (flipping, flipping)  Here.  Remember I took it of you in the kitchen and here you're saying, "Now that Deborah is gone I'm going to take her coffee pot."

Me: Oh, I don't drink coffee but okay.

Lenore: It's just for fun.  Not real.  You're not really going to take the coffee pot.  (flipping, flipping)  And this one, see I had Bat Lady hold out all those dollar bills and smile and here it says, "I made this money working nights.  You can't have it!"

Me: Oh.  That sounds like she's a prostitute or something.

Lenore: Maybe she is...(flipping, flipping)...and here's George, "These donuts are the best!" and then Stacy is here saying...

BLACKOUT

Monday, July 9, 2012

My Son Was a Clown

(I'm sitting in my office with coworker, Elle, listening to a conversation taking place in front of our door.)

(Batlady enters carrying an old suitcase.)

Batlady: (interrupting din of the office, to Lynn)  Look, do you wanna see my suitcase?

Lynn:  Sure.

Batlady: See, it's really old and used to belong to my son.  He was a clown and used to juggle but now he doesn't and I have it.  I'm going to see if I can donate it.

Lynn: (from desk, not getting up)  Cool.

Batlady:  Yes, it's really cool.  I'm going to donate it to the theater department to use as a prop or something in a play.  It's got a lot of value.

Lynn: Oh.  It's cool.

(Lenore comes over and inspects bag.)

Lenore:  Hmm, I have lots of those.

Batlady:  Like this though?  This used to belong to my son who was a clown.  He would do kids' parties.  I don't think you had one like this.  Look how old it is.

Lenore: I see those all the time.

Batlady:  Well, this one was for a clown. (A few minutes later Batlady pokes her head in my office.)  Hey, did you guys see the suitcase I brought in?

Elle:  No, we heard you talking about it though.

Batlady:  I'm donating it to the theater department to use in a production or something.  It used to be my son's.  He was a clown.  You gotta see it.

Me: Where is it?

Batlady: In my office.  You have to come over there to see it.  Do you want to see it?

Me:  (together with Elle) Um, maybe later.

Elle:  (together with Me) That's okay.

Batlady: It's the real thing.  You should see it.

Elle: Can you bring it over here?

Batlady: Uh, well, it's kinda old and is falling apart a little.  But if you want to swing my by office to look at it...it's just over there.

Me:  (together with Elle) After lunch maybe.

Elle:  (together with Me) Not right now.

(Batlady leaves, Lenore trundles into our office and starts to speak.)

Me: Wait.  Are you going to tell us about the clown luggage?

L: Huh, oh, Batlady's thing?  No.  There's all kinds of clown bags around.  It's not that special. 


BLACKOUT

Thursday, May 31, 2012

More Meat Talk

(Lenore is sitting beside my desk pushing pre-sliced Safeway-brand salami and Saltine crackers on me.  I politely sample her givings.)

Me: Mmm, good.

Lenore: See?  I told you.  This is the best salami.  Ever.  Try some more.

Me: I'm okay, but thank you.

L: More.  Have some.  Just try it.  (I take another slice of the salami and a cracker.)  Take two pieces of salami and tell me what you think.  (I take another piece of salami and place it on top on the cracker.)

Me: (taking a bite)  Mmm, good.  Twice as much meat.

L: See, it's the best.  Also, I wanted to tell you there was this cooking show where a chef goes to a restaurant or something and makes it better.  But lemme tell you, they were having a big party and there weren't enough ovens to cook so you know what they did?

Me:  No.

L: They took, what's it called, tin foil, laid it out in a long strip in the outside area and put that black stuff you BBQ with--

Me: Charcoal?

L: Yes, exactly that.  Charcoal, and lit it on fire.  Then they got those metal garbage cans and put that on top of the fire and cooked chicken in those!  (slaps knee)

Me: (feigning interest)  Really?  In garbage cans?

L: Yes, I couldn't believe it.  Just, just, I don't know.  Those guys, how they come up with these things?

(Later in the afternoon I go into the kitchen to make copies and discover Lenore telling this story to another coworker, whose eyes are at half-mast with enthusiasm.)

L: ...and they just put the chickens in the garbage cans and cook them like that!

Worker: Wow, that's cool.

L: Isn't it though?  Just watching it I could taste it.  Meat was falling off the bone.  So tender.  From a garbage can!

(I finish my copies and walk out of the kitchen with Worker in tow.)

Worker: Ew, did you hear that story?

Me: Yes, she told it to me this morning.

Worker: She's been on this salami kick and now garbage chicken?  No thank you.

Me: Oh, you've been hearing about the salami too?

Worker: Yes, I hear all Lenore's meat stories.

BLACKOUT

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lenore and the Case of the Hard Salami

(Lenore trundles into my office.  I'm sitting at my desk and as I see her out of the corner of my eye, I lean into my computer more and type faster.)

Lenore:  Excuse me?  Are you busy?  Like really busy?

Me: (quietly sighs)  Uh, no.  What's up?

L:  I wanted to share something with you.  About food.  Because, you know, food and all...I like to talk to you about it.  Do you like salami?

Me: Sure.

L:  I found the best salami.  It's was hard but also paper thin.

Me: Oh, was it pre-sliced?

L: Was it wh-what--oh yeah, it was cut already.  I just put it on a cracker and (eyes roll back, lip quivers) oh, it's just...nothing better.  The best.  The best!  And let me tell you, I gave some to Ellen and she loved it too!  She wants some for her husband. 

Me: Really?  Do you remember the name?

L:  No.  It's salami.  Just salami, the paper thin kind.  But hard.  I got it at Safeway.  You know they have a whole wall of meat and I found it there.  But, oh wait, I have some here, lemme go get it.  (Lenore gets up, slowly trundles out of my office and moments later comes back with an unopened package of the salami.)  Here it is.

Me: Oh, it's uh, what's it called?  Is The Deli Connection the brand name?

Lenore:  (examining package) Um, let's see...I think Hard Salami is the name of it.  Yes, Hard Salami.  Ellen put it on bread and ate it!  I just put it on a cracker because, you know, that's all I had.

Me:  Did you put any cheese on it?

L: (falling back in her chair)  YES!  CHEESE!  So good!!!

Me:  Do you mind if I just take a picture of the package so I can be sure to find it next time I'm at Safeway?

L: Sure!

 BLACKOUT

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I Have Seen It All

(Lenore trundles into my office.)

Lenore: Do you want some chocolate?  Ellen brought some in and it's so, so good.

Me: No, thank you.

L: What, no chocolate?  It's so good though.

Me: I'm not eating much sugar lately.  I'm training for a big bike ride here in a few weeks and trying to be disciplined about my diet...at least for the next three weeks.

L: You are?  You ride bikes?

Me: Yes.

L: Do you know Russel...um, gosh, what the heck is his last name?  He used to work here before you started.

Me: No, don't know him.

L: Hmm, I know his last name but...shoot, what is it?  Anyway, he rode bikes.  It was Russel Something.

Me: Oh, did he race or ride just for fun?

L: I think it was like Chon-koff or a Russian name like that.

Me: It's okay.

L: Alex knows him.  Yes, he did ride.  He even went to LA once.  On his bike! 

Me: Oh, maybe it's the same ride I'm doing. 

L: No, no, not Chon-koff, maybe Cher-noff or Sherr-kitz...gosh, I just can't remember.  And you don't know him?

Me: No. I don't know him.

L: Well, let me tell you, I see people riding around in the city, you know, when I'm driving, and they're crazy!

Me: Yes, some cyclist can be.

L: And, they're on cell phones and hair blowing in the wind.  No helmet.

Me: Really?

L: Yes, I've seen it all.

Me: Helmets are important.

L: Russel What-ever-his-name-is wore a helmet I think.  You know, I had his last name and now I don't.


BLACKOUT

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Don't Mess With My Paper

(Lenore trundles into my office.  She is carrying an invoice for paper supplies and seems upset.)

Lenore: Do you know what this invoice is, this Paper Needs?  Some other paper place I think.

Me: (looking at invoice) Oh, yes, that's from Laura's office.  They ordered invitations.

L: I've never heard of them.  We don't use anyone but Ligature to order paper stuff.

Me: Hmm.  I don't know.  Maybe Laura wasn't aware of that.  Do we have a contract with Ligature or something?

L: No.  But we always use them.

Me: Is it okay that Laura used a different company to order paper supplies? 

L: (huffy) It's not that, she just doesn't--we use Ligature.  I don't know how to process these other companies.

Me: The invoices, you mean?  They're just invoices.  Process them the same way you do all the others.

L: Hmpf.  Fine.  I'm just confused why someone would use another company and not the one we always use.  It just makes things difficult for everyone. 

Me: I'm sorry.

L: I'm going to bring this up at the next board meeting.

Me: Really?

L: No. But I should.

BLACKOUT

Monday, April 16, 2012

Guess What Lenore Saw

(Lenore scuttles into my office.)

Lenore: Hey, I wanted to tell you...guess what I saw today?

Me: Uh, I don't know.  What?

L: Guess.

Me: Okay, um, as it a--

L: It's strange, really, you know, strange to see a city.

Me: A pig!

(Lenore recoils in shock.)

L: What?!  How did you know that?

Me:  Oh, really?  You saw a pig?

L: (disbelief) Wow.  I can't believe you guessed that.

Me: Did it have a snout and floppy ears?

L: YES!!  You did see it.

Me: No, I'm kidding.  I swear.  All pigs have snouts and floppy ears.

L: Get outta here.  You saw it.  You did.

Me: No, really I was guessing.

L: Okay, Mr. Smart Guesser.  What is going on today?  Just weird.

BLACKOUT

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Detector of Motion

(The lights in my office are turned on by a motion detector that in recent months has been malfunctioning.  Specifically, the lights go off every minute rather than every hour if it detects no motion.)

(I have to ask Lenore to send a request for a repairman to come look at the light switch. At Lenore's desk.)

Me: (frown face, frustrated) I hate this light in my office.

Lenore:  What's wrong with it?

Me: Well, it's a motion detector and it is turning off every minute and I have to move around to get it to turn back on.  It's annoying.

L: Oh, they're turning off?  The lights?  Why, I wonder?

Me: Because the switch senses movement and when there is nothing moving it thinks no one is in the room everything goes dark. 

L: Are you just sitting still?

Me: Well, I'm usually typing or something.

L: And it doesn't know that you're typing?

Me: No, I don't think typing is a big enough movement.

L: So you want someone to come and turn off the switch or something?

Me: No, I want them to fix it, maybe even replace it.

L: Okay, but I have to send a request and it could take a long time for anyone to come out. 

Me: Fine.  As long as the ball is rolling.

L: For now, just make bigger movements, like type bigger, I guess.

Me: I don't know what that means.

L:  Or do jumping jacks.

Me: Jumping jacks?  No.

L: Maybe I'll come and do jumping jacks.  Would that help?

Me: Yes.


BLACKOUT

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Note Card Debacle

(In the grand life of an event planner, I often have to order stationary and custom invitations.  I have to do this through Lenore.)

ACT I: Lenore's Desk

(I email Lenore a link to order cards and envelopes and walk over to her desk to give her further explanation.  Lenore is staring at her computer screen.)

Me: Lenore, I have to order some stationary, er, note cards rather, and I just sent you a link for the ones I want.  Only, I can't login to our department account.  Do we have an account with Office Max?  I don't have the password and was told I have to order through you.  This is a major rush job.

Lenore: (slowly turning around in her chair to face me) Huh?

Me: I said, I have to order stationary online and in order to do so I have to login to the department's account with Office Max.  But you have the account information and I need to turn this around quickly.  I've already selected what I want.  It's all in that link.  We just need to edit the address and stuff.

Lenore:  What now?

Me: Office Max.  Do we have an account with them?

Lenore: Not Ligature [another stationary company]?

Me: No.  Office Max.

Lenore: Yes, we do have an account with Office Max.  And Staples, too. 

Me: No. Office Max.

Lenore: Okay.  Now what do you want me to do?


ACT II: Dave the Boss

(Twenty minutes have passed and Lenore and I finally have an 8.5x11'' printed proof of the stationary together for review.  Dave, the boss, walks by.)

Me: Dave, can you take a look at this?  For the [event] you just want the university logo on the front and the return address on the back, right? 

Dave: (examining proof)  Yes, I love this.  Just like this. Order it.

Lenore: Wait, what size?

Me: The normal size.  Isn't it on that order form or do we need to select it?

Dave: Yes, the size we always order.

Lenore:  What size is that?  There's lots of sizes on here.

Dave: I dunno.  Card size.

(Quick like a bunny, I retrieve a sample of our personal Office of Alumni Relations card stock, not the university card stock I'm trying to order, and bring it back to Lenore.) 

Me: Here.  This size of card.  I think it's B1. It's the only size we order.

Lenore: (pointing to Office of Alumni Relations logo on card) But you want this on here, too?  Office of Alumni Relations?  Not the university stuff you said like on (pointing to the printed proof of the university note card) here, on this one?

Dave: No, this is the size of the card.  Ignore that logo.  (pointing from the printed proof to the Office of Alumni Relations card stock)  Make this, look like this.  This information should be on this card stock so our invitations are this size, with the university logo and the university address. Make sense?

Lenore: (turning card over) Okay, but here, on the back, you still want the Alumni Relations office address?

Dave: (shooting me a look) Noooo, that should be changed too.  We want the university address.

Lenore: Could you just write all this down?


ACT III: The Final Proof

(The next day.  Lenore comes into my office with the sample size Office of Alumni Relations card I brought to her a day earlier.  Everything has been whited out and she has taken the printed proof of the note card that Dave reviewed, cut out the logo and address, and crudely taped it on top of the Office of Alumni Relations card stock...rather than just use the printed proof she had already as an example.  She hands this cut-and-paste card to me for inspection.) 

Lenore: Something like this?  Here.  Look.

Me: Uh, yes.  This looks fine.  But don't you have to send this to Office Max?  Do you still have that other printed proof from yesterday or is that what all this cut-and-paste stuff is?

Lenore: Well, I can fax this copy to Office Max.

Me: Okay.  But, you can't do it online?  That's why I sent you that link and we made all those changes.  The one we were looking at yesterday?  Remember?  You can just place the order, email that proof we printed and shared with Dave. 

Lenore: Oh, yes.

Me: Just go online, submit the order and we're good to go. 

Lenore: I didn't know if you wanted one exactly like this one or the one we've already used that's online.

Me: Huh?  You mean the one online?  Yes, use that one, the one with just the university logo on the front and the university return address on the back. 

Lenore: I could call me buddy at Office Max and she can put something together.

Me: That sounds great. Whatever is easier.  And faster.

Lenore: (flapping her cut-and-paste, whited-out card in my face)  But I did all this work on this one, you don't want to use this?

Me: Use it for what?  Lenore, use whatever option will get this ordered today.

Lenore: You want this ordered today!?

Me: Yes.  Well, yesterday, actually.  This is for the President's Office and I have to get these all out next week.

Lenore: In that case, let me see if I can work my magic.

BLACKOUT

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Missing Salad

(I was in the kitchen area heating up some soup and standing beside the office refrigerator.  Bat Lady, a stuffy fundraiser with the demeanor of an old sore dog, walks in and opens the refrigerator looking for her lunch.)

Bat Lady: (barely looking around) Ach! Where is my salad?  (raising voice) Someone stole my salad!  (yelling to no one in the main office) It was Chinese Chicken and it was here this morning.  WHO STOLE MY SALAD AND ATE IT?

Me: (looking in the fridge)  Did you look around?  Sometimes people move the--

BL: That really ticks me off!  I've just had it!  Someone came in here, took my salad--THAT I PAID FOR--and--

(I pick up a dish and find a prepackaged salad underneath.)

Me: Here it is.  Is this your salad?

BL: Hmpf.  Yes, that's it.  Who the hell would hide it?

(Bat Lady snatches the salad from my hand, storms out of the kitchen, back to her office and slams the door in a huff.)

Lenore: (to me) Did someone really steal her salad?


BLACKOUT 


Monday, March 12, 2012

Kettle Me This!


(I am in my office typing, per usual, and Lenore trundles in with a large bag of Jalapeno Kettle chips.  I turn to her as she slowly advances, shaking an open bag of chips at me.)

Me: Lenore, don't even come over here with those.  I'm not eating any more chips right now. [I'm on  a training diet.]

Lenore: (still advancing)  Are you sure?  They're so good.

Me: No.  Please, I don't want any.

Lenore: Com'on.  Just have one or two.  They're so good.

Me: Fine.  (I reach into the bag, take a small handful and begin to eat them.)  I love these...but no more, please.  You come in with treats all the time.

Lenore: But these are the best.  Have you heard of Kettle before, the name of this chip?  They're the best.

Me: Yes, I love them.

Lenore: I, I've tried them all and this one is the best.  The best!

Me: I love the New York Cheddar ones, too.

Lenore: Oh, I've never seen those.

Me: Or the Sea Salt and Pepper.  Those are so great, especially with onion dip.

Lenore: Where are those?

Me: Have you tired the Baked Potato?

Lenore:  Baked Potato?  A potato chip that tastes like a baked potato?  Really?

Me: Really.

Lenore: I've never seen it...but I've tried all the rest.  I still like these most.

BLACKOUT

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Branding

(Morning.  I'm near Lenore's desk, checking my mail.  She is watching a video on her computer of a cow being branded.)

Me: Learning to brand cattle?

Lenore: (wincing) Wha-? No, this is a video of my nephew and uncle.  Can you believe they still do this burning stuff to cows and things?

Me: Sure, I guess.

Lenore: I think it is just, just awful.  I hate when they hurt animals.  And he, my uncle, even hunts deer and shoots them!  (grabs chest in a gesture of disbelief)

Me: Some farmers just tag their herds with a spray or pierce the animals' ears.

Lenore: Like with earrings?  No!

Me: They're more like those censor tags like the ones they put on clothes so you don't steal them.

Lenore: Really?  So someone doesn't take a cow out of a field or something or the alarm will go off? 

 Me: Uh, I don't think any alarms go off, it's just to identify them as your cattle or sheep or whatever.

Lenore: I don't get any of it.  I just put collars on my cats and that seems to keep them around and my neighbors know they are mine.  You'd think they'd figure this out by now.

BLACKOUT


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Look Ma! No Arms!


(Almost as long as I've been at the California State University in which I work, the library has been undergoing construction, a retrofitting, to be exact.  After years under scaffolding and industrial tarps, the building is nearly ready for prime time and I'm in charge of the opening ribbon-cutting ceremony when it is finally complete.  This week I went on a sneak peek tour of the library to get a lay of the land for the upcoming unveiling of the new building.)

(A library staff person leads my boss and me on a guided tour.  Inside elevator with padded moving blankets lining its walls.)

Guide: ...up here on Four we've got our special collections and--

Boss:  What are these padded blankets for?

Me: To keep from scratching the walls, probably.

Boss:  Feels like a padded room for the insane.  (bumps around on walls)  Feels like home.

Guide: (deadpan) No, not for insane people.  Just movers so they don't scratch the paneling.  (elevator doors open)  Okay, please, step out.

(Boss, Guide and I step out of elevator into the elevator bay where there's new tiling, crisp carpeting where the stacks are and wood panels lining the newly constructed walls.  There is a bathroom directly in front of us.)

Boss: (craning neck, looking around) Nice.

Guide: Yes, and oh, as you can see, we've added bathrooms near each elevator on every floor and, maybe we can just take a look...(walking us over to the bathrooms, opening door to look in) I don't think anyone's in here.  Hello?

(As we walk to the bathrooms we pass two wall-mounted water facets, one higher than the other.  The lower facet has no handle to turn on water and instead has a motion sensor, mounted on the front of it.  The facet spouts water automatically as it detects us moving past.)

Guide: Oh, those darn facets always turn on.  Big design flaw.  Waste of water.  We're going to get that fixed.

Me: Do they have sensors that are not so sensitive?  Or maybe just move the sensor on the side of the facet then wave your hand along side it to drink?  That might work better.

Guide: That wouldn't be ADA compliant.

Boss: Yeah, I think a side sensor on the side would be better.  Otherwise it would turn on when anyone walked in front of it.

Guide: But if someone came up here in a wheelchair with no limbs, how would they wave a hand in front of a side-mounted sensor?

Me: Uh, er, I don't know.

Boss: Wouldn't they have a wand or something, like, in their mouth?  Just wave that.

Guide:  No. Some people don't have arms.  Or wands.  We have to think of them too.

BLACKOUT

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Whites Only

(Lenore shuffles into my office with a white sheet of paper in hand with all of the student assistants' schedules printed on it.  I'm typing an email.)

Lenore: Excuse me.  Can I ask you a question, mister?  It will be quick.

Me: How quick?

L: I don't know, a few seconds maybe.

Me: I'm kidding.  What's up?

(Shows me paper with all kinds of different fonts and sizes of letters and the formatting is wonky.)

L: What do you think of this?

Me: (taking paper)  Uh, it's fine...I guess, why?

L: Look closer.

Me: The fonts are all different?  I dunno.

L: No, the paper is white.

Me:  Yeah?

L: Well, lots of people told me that they wanted to have this student schedule thing printed on colored paper because if they have white paper it gets lost and they might throw it away too...with other white papers.  I worked so hard on it.  It's so we all know, you know, when students are in the office.

Me: Who complained?  Who's lots of people?

L: Huh?  You mean, who wants the colored paper?

Me: Yes.

L: Mario [the assistant director].

Me: And?  Is that it?

L: Well, he's the only one that complained about the white paper.  But I'm sure there are others.  Which is why I'm asking you.  What do you think?

Me: White paper is fine.  Ignore Mario.  He'll have to suffer through it.

L:  No, I don't want him to get mad.  Do you think he will?

Me: Lenore, he doesn't even have a student assistant.  I manage three of them and I already know their schedules.  Why does he even need to know that stuff?

L: He likes to know, I guess, and he likes it to be in color.

Me: Then make him a hot pink color copy.

L: (satisfied) Okay! That's why I come to you.


BLACKOUT

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Just The Tip

(I'm in my office talking to the student assistant.)

Me:...so, from the tip to the fold, it can't be more than four inches or you can't stick it in.  It just won't take it all the way and you'll just end up making more work for yourself.

(Boss walks by and pokes his head in room.)

Boss: (alarmed) What are you talking about?

Me: Envelopes.  In order for them to seal in that machine they can't be more than four inches from the tip of the flap to where it folds.  What did you think we were talking about?

Boss: Oh god, I shouldn't say.

BLACKOUT


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Rubber Meets Lenore

(I walk past Lenore's desk to my own and she stops me.  She has a fistful of new pens.)

Lenore: (handing me pens) Do you need any new pens?

Me: Uh, no, not really.  But thanks.

L: I got these for Ellen but she says she's allergic to rubber.  And got a rash.  See, these have a rubber grip.

Me: I see.

L: Now I have all these and I guess, I don't know... 

Me: Lemme try it.  (I take a pen, hold it as if I'm going to write and then grab my chest, fake a heart attack and fall in a nearby chair.)

L: OHMYGOODNESS!  Are you okay?

Me: (coming back to consciousness) I'm fine.  This is a great pen.  Thank you.

L: (confused, playful and a little angry) What?  You get out of here mister!


BLACKOUT