Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Note Card Debacle

(In the grand life of an event planner, I often have to order stationary and custom invitations.  I have to do this through Lenore.)

ACT I: Lenore's Desk

(I email Lenore a link to order cards and envelopes and walk over to her desk to give her further explanation.  Lenore is staring at her computer screen.)

Me: Lenore, I have to order some stationary, er, note cards rather, and I just sent you a link for the ones I want.  Only, I can't login to our department account.  Do we have an account with Office Max?  I don't have the password and was told I have to order through you.  This is a major rush job.

Lenore: (slowly turning around in her chair to face me) Huh?

Me: I said, I have to order stationary online and in order to do so I have to login to the department's account with Office Max.  But you have the account information and I need to turn this around quickly.  I've already selected what I want.  It's all in that link.  We just need to edit the address and stuff.

Lenore:  What now?

Me: Office Max.  Do we have an account with them?

Lenore: Not Ligature [another stationary company]?

Me: No.  Office Max.

Lenore: Yes, we do have an account with Office Max.  And Staples, too. 

Me: No. Office Max.

Lenore: Okay.  Now what do you want me to do?

ACT II: Dave the Boss

(Twenty minutes have passed and Lenore and I finally have an 8.5x11'' printed proof of the stationary together for review.  Dave, the boss, walks by.)

Me: Dave, can you take a look at this?  For the [event] you just want the university logo on the front and the return address on the back, right? 

Dave: (examining proof)  Yes, I love this.  Just like this. Order it.

Lenore: Wait, what size?

Me: The normal size.  Isn't it on that order form or do we need to select it?

Dave: Yes, the size we always order.

Lenore:  What size is that?  There's lots of sizes on here.

Dave: I dunno.  Card size.

(Quick like a bunny, I retrieve a sample of our personal Office of Alumni Relations card stock, not the university card stock I'm trying to order, and bring it back to Lenore.) 

Me: Here.  This size of card.  I think it's B1. It's the only size we order.

Lenore: (pointing to Office of Alumni Relations logo on card) But you want this on here, too?  Office of Alumni Relations?  Not the university stuff you said like on (pointing to the printed proof of the university note card) here, on this one?

Dave: No, this is the size of the card.  Ignore that logo.  (pointing from the printed proof to the Office of Alumni Relations card stock)  Make this, look like this.  This information should be on this card stock so our invitations are this size, with the university logo and the university address. Make sense?

Lenore: (turning card over) Okay, but here, on the back, you still want the Alumni Relations office address?

Dave: (shooting me a look) Noooo, that should be changed too.  We want the university address.

Lenore: Could you just write all this down?

ACT III: The Final Proof

(The next day.  Lenore comes into my office with the sample size Office of Alumni Relations card I brought to her a day earlier.  Everything has been whited out and she has taken the printed proof of the note card that Dave reviewed, cut out the logo and address, and crudely taped it on top of the Office of Alumni Relations card stock...rather than just use the printed proof she had already as an example.  She hands this cut-and-paste card to me for inspection.) 

Lenore: Something like this?  Here.  Look.

Me: Uh, yes.  This looks fine.  But don't you have to send this to Office Max?  Do you still have that other printed proof from yesterday or is that what all this cut-and-paste stuff is?

Lenore: Well, I can fax this copy to Office Max.

Me: Okay.  But, you can't do it online?  That's why I sent you that link and we made all those changes.  The one we were looking at yesterday?  Remember?  You can just place the order, email that proof we printed and shared with Dave. 

Lenore: Oh, yes.

Me: Just go online, submit the order and we're good to go. 

Lenore: I didn't know if you wanted one exactly like this one or the one we've already used that's online.

Me: Huh?  You mean the one online?  Yes, use that one, the one with just the university logo on the front and the university return address on the back. 

Lenore: I could call me buddy at Office Max and she can put something together.

Me: That sounds great. Whatever is easier.  And faster.

Lenore: (flapping her cut-and-paste, whited-out card in my face)  But I did all this work on this one, you don't want to use this?

Me: Use it for what?  Lenore, use whatever option will get this ordered today.

Lenore: You want this ordered today!?

Me: Yes.  Well, yesterday, actually.  This is for the President's Office and I have to get these all out next week.

Lenore: In that case, let me see if I can work my magic.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Missing Salad

(I was in the kitchen area heating up some soup and standing beside the office refrigerator.  Bat Lady, a stuffy fundraiser with the demeanor of an old sore dog, walks in and opens the refrigerator looking for her lunch.)

Bat Lady: (barely looking around) Ach! Where is my salad?  (raising voice) Someone stole my salad!  (yelling to no one in the main office) It was Chinese Chicken and it was here this morning.  WHO STOLE MY SALAD AND ATE IT?

Me: (looking in the fridge)  Did you look around?  Sometimes people move the--

BL: That really ticks me off!  I've just had it!  Someone came in here, took my salad--THAT I PAID FOR--and--

(I pick up a dish and find a prepackaged salad underneath.)

Me: Here it is.  Is this your salad?

BL: Hmpf.  Yes, that's it.  Who the hell would hide it?

(Bat Lady snatches the salad from my hand, storms out of the kitchen, back to her office and slams the door in a huff.)

Lenore: (to me) Did someone really steal her salad?


Monday, March 12, 2012

Kettle Me This!

(I am in my office typing, per usual, and Lenore trundles in with a large bag of Jalapeno Kettle chips.  I turn to her as she slowly advances, shaking an open bag of chips at me.)

Me: Lenore, don't even come over here with those.  I'm not eating any more chips right now. [I'm on  a training diet.]

Lenore: (still advancing)  Are you sure?  They're so good.

Me: No.  Please, I don't want any.

Lenore: Com'on.  Just have one or two.  They're so good.

Me: Fine.  (I reach into the bag, take a small handful and begin to eat them.)  I love these...but no more, please.  You come in with treats all the time.

Lenore: But these are the best.  Have you heard of Kettle before, the name of this chip?  They're the best.

Me: Yes, I love them.

Lenore: I, I've tried them all and this one is the best.  The best!

Me: I love the New York Cheddar ones, too.

Lenore: Oh, I've never seen those.

Me: Or the Sea Salt and Pepper.  Those are so great, especially with onion dip.

Lenore: Where are those?

Me: Have you tired the Baked Potato?

Lenore:  Baked Potato?  A potato chip that tastes like a baked potato?  Really?

Me: Really.

Lenore: I've never seen it...but I've tried all the rest.  I still like these most.