Thursday, May 31, 2012

More Meat Talk

(Lenore is sitting beside my desk pushing pre-sliced Safeway-brand salami and Saltine crackers on me.  I politely sample her givings.)

Me: Mmm, good.

Lenore: See?  I told you.  This is the best salami.  Ever.  Try some more.

Me: I'm okay, but thank you.

L: More.  Have some.  Just try it.  (I take another slice of the salami and a cracker.)  Take two pieces of salami and tell me what you think.  (I take another piece of salami and place it on top on the cracker.)

Me: (taking a bite)  Mmm, good.  Twice as much meat.

L: See, it's the best.  Also, I wanted to tell you there was this cooking show where a chef goes to a restaurant or something and makes it better.  But lemme tell you, they were having a big party and there weren't enough ovens to cook so you know what they did?

Me:  No.

L: They took, what's it called, tin foil, laid it out in a long strip in the outside area and put that black stuff you BBQ with--

Me: Charcoal?

L: Yes, exactly that.  Charcoal, and lit it on fire.  Then they got those metal garbage cans and put that on top of the fire and cooked chicken in those!  (slaps knee)

Me: (feigning interest)  Really?  In garbage cans?

L: Yes, I couldn't believe it.  Just, just, I don't know.  Those guys, how they come up with these things?

(Later in the afternoon I go into the kitchen to make copies and discover Lenore telling this story to another coworker, whose eyes are at half-mast with enthusiasm.)

L: ...and they just put the chickens in the garbage cans and cook them like that!

Worker: Wow, that's cool.

L: Isn't it though?  Just watching it I could taste it.  Meat was falling off the bone.  So tender.  From a garbage can!

(I finish my copies and walk out of the kitchen with Worker in tow.)

Worker: Ew, did you hear that story?

Me: Yes, she told it to me this morning.

Worker: She's been on this salami kick and now garbage chicken?  No thank you.

Me: Oh, you've been hearing about the salami too?

Worker: Yes, I hear all Lenore's meat stories.

BLACKOUT

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lenore and the Case of the Hard Salami

(Lenore trundles into my office.  I'm sitting at my desk and as I see her out of the corner of my eye, I lean into my computer more and type faster.)

Lenore:  Excuse me?  Are you busy?  Like really busy?

Me: (quietly sighs)  Uh, no.  What's up?

L:  I wanted to share something with you.  About food.  Because, you know, food and all...I like to talk to you about it.  Do you like salami?

Me: Sure.

L:  I found the best salami.  It's was hard but also paper thin.

Me: Oh, was it pre-sliced?

L: Was it wh-what--oh yeah, it was cut already.  I just put it on a cracker and (eyes roll back, lip quivers) oh, it's just...nothing better.  The best.  The best!  And let me tell you, I gave some to Ellen and she loved it too!  She wants some for her husband. 

Me: Really?  Do you remember the name?

L:  No.  It's salami.  Just salami, the paper thin kind.  But hard.  I got it at Safeway.  You know they have a whole wall of meat and I found it there.  But, oh wait, I have some here, lemme go get it.  (Lenore gets up, slowly trundles out of my office and moments later comes back with an unopened package of the salami.)  Here it is.

Me: Oh, it's uh, what's it called?  Is The Deli Connection the brand name?

Lenore:  (examining package) Um, let's see...I think Hard Salami is the name of it.  Yes, Hard Salami.  Ellen put it on bread and ate it!  I just put it on a cracker because, you know, that's all I had.

Me:  Did you put any cheese on it?

L: (falling back in her chair)  YES!  CHEESE!  So good!!!

Me:  Do you mind if I just take a picture of the package so I can be sure to find it next time I'm at Safeway?

L: Sure!

 BLACKOUT

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I Have Seen It All

(Lenore trundles into my office.)

Lenore: Do you want some chocolate?  Ellen brought some in and it's so, so good.

Me: No, thank you.

L: What, no chocolate?  It's so good though.

Me: I'm not eating much sugar lately.  I'm training for a big bike ride here in a few weeks and trying to be disciplined about my diet...at least for the next three weeks.

L: You are?  You ride bikes?

Me: Yes.

L: Do you know Russel...um, gosh, what the heck is his last name?  He used to work here before you started.

Me: No, don't know him.

L: Hmm, I know his last name but...shoot, what is it?  Anyway, he rode bikes.  It was Russel Something.

Me: Oh, did he race or ride just for fun?

L: I think it was like Chon-koff or a Russian name like that.

Me: It's okay.

L: Alex knows him.  Yes, he did ride.  He even went to LA once.  On his bike! 

Me: Oh, maybe it's the same ride I'm doing. 

L: No, no, not Chon-koff, maybe Cher-noff or Sherr-kitz...gosh, I just can't remember.  And you don't know him?

Me: No. I don't know him.

L: Well, let me tell you, I see people riding around in the city, you know, when I'm driving, and they're crazy!

Me: Yes, some cyclist can be.

L: And, they're on cell phones and hair blowing in the wind.  No helmet.

Me: Really?

L: Yes, I've seen it all.

Me: Helmets are important.

L: Russel What-ever-his-name-is wore a helmet I think.  You know, I had his last name and now I don't.


BLACKOUT

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Don't Mess With My Paper

(Lenore trundles into my office.  She is carrying an invoice for paper supplies and seems upset.)

Lenore: Do you know what this invoice is, this Paper Needs?  Some other paper place I think.

Me: (looking at invoice) Oh, yes, that's from Laura's office.  They ordered invitations.

L: I've never heard of them.  We don't use anyone but Ligature to order paper stuff.

Me: Hmm.  I don't know.  Maybe Laura wasn't aware of that.  Do we have a contract with Ligature or something?

L: No.  But we always use them.

Me: Is it okay that Laura used a different company to order paper supplies? 

L: (huffy) It's not that, she just doesn't--we use Ligature.  I don't know how to process these other companies.

Me: The invoices, you mean?  They're just invoices.  Process them the same way you do all the others.

L: Hmpf.  Fine.  I'm just confused why someone would use another company and not the one we always use.  It just makes things difficult for everyone. 

Me: I'm sorry.

L: I'm going to bring this up at the next board meeting.

Me: Really?

L: No. But I should.

BLACKOUT